My story continues and that was when I realized how life complicated can really be. I wasn't depressed because of my crazy ass grade 7 teacher; he was only part the problem.
Another part of the problem was someone that I was stuck with in life. I won't exactly say how I know this person, but let's just say she ruined part of me. Because of her, I probably would have been a completely different person. If I hadn't believed that she could have been more than a sister to me, I maybe wouldn't have been in this mess at all.
It all started when she first went to school with. Naturally I was a shy kid. But meraciously I was able to become friends with the girl sitting next to me. We talked, had lunch together, did those things that little girls do together and then played together whenever we had play time or recess. But then my nice side kicked in and that's when I saw her all alone. I decided to be nice and invite her to play with me and my new found friends, since that's what my parents had taught me. I invited her in to play with us and that was one of my biggest mistakes. Of course I was young and never really understood what's going on, but this turned into one of the biggest regrets in my life.
If I hadn't made that decision and isolated her, there would have been consequences at home and she probably would end up hating me forever. (I guess it's still a lose-lose situation for me). But because I was nice to her, she started to hog me. I didn't get to play with my new found friends at school, I was forced to play with her. I complained to my parents about this, and they said to try to balance out friends and her. I kind of told someone else this situation and she only said to include her in everything I do because she is new to the country and can't make friends like me.
I should have rebelled then and continued making friends. Maybe if I did make friends with my new classmates, I would have been something else. Today I am still quiet and shy. I'm working really hard to break out of that shell I currently am, but I have to say I am slowly making little progress.
As we grew up, I could say the situation got worse. I started relying more on her. Because I missed out on the making friends problem in grade school, I had a lot of trouble making friends in high school. That's because I was used to being isolated with her and only her. Yes, she was very obsessive with me and I didn't see that until now.
I honestly don't know what I could have done to fix that.
Anyways, as we grew up, I started to realize how much I relied on her and only her. Then she started to turn her back on me and started to publicly humiliate me. At first I thought she was only joking, but her jokes started to cut deep. It started to really hurt me inside and that's when I realized I couldn't rely on her anymore. So I started throwing the same mean jokes back at her. It started a mean cold war between us and a lot of tension. We pretended that nothing was happening between us when we were in front of our parents, but I could feel the tension. It was just too obvious to hide it.
My life started to spiral downward after that, and I was already losing control of the situation. The more we grew up, the more she started to humiliate me. I also felt like she was trying to top me? Try being better then me, like it's some competition. I don't understand what's going on inside of her head, but somehow she had set her life goal in high school to be better then me. Trying to be the good girl that my parents raised me as, I tried to ignore all of that drama she was trying to bring into my life. (I also had enough drama in my life already.) But she kept trying to show off how "accomplished" she is then me, while I'm here doing nothing or just enjoying my life. She made me look bad in front of my teachers, friends and sometimes my parents.
I honestly couldn't understand what else I should do to at least save my dying reputation. I figured if she's playing this game, then 2 can play this game. I started doing things to publicly humiliate her back. I kept it up for a couple of months, but after that, I just got tired of this game we were playing. I got tired of constantly topping her off with everything I'm doing, and I finally just stopped.
I guess that's when I really fell down the dark abyss. I started to get that sad gutrenching feeling inside of myself. By the time Grade 11 and 12 came, I started taking online classes outside of my tiny ass private school. I never told anyone and only told my best friend how busy I really am. I had to keep it a secret cause I didn't want her to start copying me and getting the same idea I had. In a way, I felt better then her. I was giving myself more high school credits then her and I knew I could just easily graduate after.
But that evil bitch didn't stop. She started applying to one of the big universities where I live. UBC. Of course, I never wanted to go to UBC in the first place cause there was nothing there. I didn't want to waste money going to a school I didn't want to go too (but I ended up doing that.) So I decided to go to a local college around my area. I told her dad what my plans were, and behind my back he made fun of me. (Fucking bastard. I will kill you.)
They automatically judged me by what college I was going too, and they think UBC is the best school to go too. Honestly, a lot of people graduate from there and some people can't even find a job after they graduate high school. It bugged the crap out of me and that's when I really started to fall....
But there is another part to this story and that evil bitch. My uncle. My uncle and I have this relationship where we are very close and basically I consider him my "second dad". I turned to him when I can't turn to my parents and ask questions that I can't bring to my parents. My parents are ok with this, cause they trust my uncle and well.... he's my uncle. So I know they're ok with it. But I just want to say, I WAS BFF WITH MY UNCLE FIRST. Not that bitch, I WAS! After a couple months of hanging out with my uncle, she saw the special relationship we had and wanted to be part of it. (I honestly think she doesn't have a good relationship with her father and she has some daddy issues.)
She STOLE that special relationship I had with my uncle. They talk more, they eat out together and of course, my aunt liked her better. (A whole different topic about my aunt, but I'm not going to get into that.)
They started to isolate me and I miss out on the "fun" they had. I fell even harder and I guess that's what had started to trigger my anxiety attacks. Sometimes when I was really pissed off about them, I would picture their deaths graphically in my head (and that is why you do not piss me off.) Then one day I was shopping with my mom and it triggered my anxiety attack. It first started off as hyperventilation, but then it started getting serious. People had to call the ambulance for me, and that's when I started to calm down after they told me what was happening to me.
After that freak episode, I started to realize my uncle "favoured" her more then me. I even texted him that when I was really pissed off and I tweeted a lot of angry tweets directed to him. I'm not sure if I am completely over the situation, but I know that thinking about it still hurts me. It hurts to see them together and it hurts knowing that they don't even look for me anymore or invite me out. He's even starting to have inside jokes with her and that's when it really rips me apart.
I don't know if I will ever tell him the truth about how I feel between them, but right now I have been avoiding them completely and making minimum contact.
This is how I really started to fall into depression. And sometimes I wonder if I am completely healed from it yet, but I know it takes a whole lot of honesty to help heal myself and one day I hope I can have the guts to tell my uncle how I really felt and what was the cause of all this anger inside of me.
All I want is peace... is that too much to ask?